Today is like every other day. But yet, it is also completely different. I woke up this morning hearing the loud, pattering feet of my son coming to say “good morning Dada!” This is his go-to wake up call every morning. It was the usual back and forth conversation. Me questioning: “How did you sleep?” “ What did you dream?” “Have you gone to the bathroom, yet?” Him responding in half-sleep speak: “Good.” “You and daddy sleeping.” “No”.
Then his prodding off to the bathroom after which begins his questions for me and my half-sleep answers. “What’s for breakfast?” “What day is today?” “Is it a school day?” These typical banters have started my days for the past 22 months. But over the past nearly two years, times have changed. The days have gone from me picking him up from the crib to his toddler bed to now his “big boy” twin-sized bed—basketball themed, of course.
As I said, today was the same as yesterday and the day before yesterday and the day before that. However, today is also so vastly different. Yesterday morning, the daily wake-up conversations were between my foster son and me. Today, they were with my adoptive son and me. You see, yesterday was adoption day!
Things are so different yet even more the same as they were before the judge’s gavel clanged. The judge’s order, the birth certificate, the legal acknowledgement all have great meaning and great heft. The daily decisions parents make for their children are now our decisions to freely make. Foster parents do not so easily accomplish things other parents take for granted. Doctor visits, patching up cuts and scrapes, school choices are natural parental obligations. But foster parents either need permission from or alert their fostering social workers for these things. Greater decisions such as Baptism, surgeries, and college choice are not given to foster parents at all. But now, they are our decisions to make.
That paper makes a difference.
Foster parents work hard to take care of other people’s children. They open their homes to children in need. They spend money on children who are not theirs. If I were to total what we have spent thus far on our son, it would be in the 6 digits. But money doesn’t matter. From the minute he arrived in our home, our son was just that: our son. When we were not sure if he would be placed with us permanently or ever placed back with his birth mother, it did not matter. What we had, what we have, was and is his.
As it became clearer he would eventually be our adoptive son, the days grew long in anticipation. Our anxiety grew in waiting. Our stress grew as we unraveled red tape after red tape. We were nervous. We were cautious. We were constantly wondering when everything would clear and the adoption set.
However, no hoop or court date or delay ever changed us. We were always a family. We were a family before he arrived in our house. Our visits with him as he transitioned from his first foster family to ours showcased our love for one another. We were family before our visits. He is my husband’s cousin. We knew him. We loved him. We wanted him always to be with his relatives.
When we were told to take foster parenting classes, we signed up and attended. When we went to get background checks, fingerprints, documents notarized or any other paperwork complete, we met the deadline with days to spare. Rarely were we told to do something that did not start the minute the phone call ended or email logged off.
It took a long time and it was needed. Red tape is not always bad. It is there to slow down the process ensuring best interests of children are met. Foster children have already been through the worst our society can put out for kids. They have witnessed or experienced abuses no rational adult should even contemplate. They deserve to be wrapped in red tape, bubble wrap, packing peanuts, protective cloths, and more! Our son deserved the time, contemplation, and consideration it took before he was placed with us. His previous foster family who loved him as much as us, had opened their home, fed, clothed, educated, and spent their hard-earned money taking care of him, deserved the time and consideration it took to move him from their home to ours. We are forever indebted to this family and love them. They will always be part of our family. We are fortunate they vacation with us, visit with us, and pray for and with us. And now, more children are blessed placed in their home and on their way to adoption day as well!
Adoption matters. My son has been saying that adoption “means being a family forever and ever.” That’s what we are now…a forever family. We are no more a family than we were 24 hours ago. The love is no greater today than before. But what we are now is a family forever.
The gavel clanged!